London Calling

John Mennett who has been hiding behind his mother’s skirts for twenty five years was devastated to find her wearing tight red slacks last Saturday night. “I used to go everywhere with her, secure and well hidden, and now this.” June Mennett told our reporter she was attending line dancing classes with her new friend local businessman Keith Sherman

______________

Cub scouts complain of fibre glass in their shorts. “It itches and makes my bottom sore.” Said seven year old Nigel Hartley, who didn’t wish to be named. The local canoe club denies responsibility.

______________

Traditional English life and culture in the village of Chaldon is under threat according to Mr Reeses Wideshorts. “We have a village green, a Morris Dancing group, the W.I., an amateur dramatics society and newly developed retirement homes.” All this is now under threat he claims as a Pakistani family from Coventry are set to buy the village newsagents.

______________

I particularly enjoy seeing homeless people on the streets at this time of year, it reminds us all of the story of our Saviour’s birth, and they do seem to fit so well with the season, reminding one of one’s cosy drawing room and log fire. Without these people Christmas would loose some of its meaning.

_______________

Adrian Cheeseman has forsaken his comfortable life of conformity to take up udder enhancement. “Many people visiting the country mistake cows for bulls if their udders are not big enough. It can cause anxiety and ruin a day out if you believe a herd of bulls are blocking your public right of way, many people abandon the footpath in panic. Udder enhancement will help both the farmer and visitors clearly differentiate between the bulls and cows.”

_______________

Chris Spencer who has been charged with 7 counts of harassing nuns vowed to kick the habit last night.