London Calling

Foxes met in Birmingham to discuss the increase in the human population, as the number of humans ‘culled’ in hunting accidents hit an all time low.

Messages in bottles are now a thing of the past a report claims. “Old sailors were amongst our best customers. They were always using bottles to send messages when they were castaways, and then of course when they retired they made model ships and, put them in bottles. We are an industry in crisis.” Concluded Kelvin Flowers, British Bottlers Association spokesman, he added, “New technology is to blame, mobile phones and package holidays to desert islands have hit us hardest.” One old castaway Tom Peel however welcomed the news, “I’d been waiting for an answer to my SOS messages in bottles for twenty years without luck. Meanwhile the whole island changed around me what with the development of condominiums and so on, until I was able to send a message from a cyber café. Now I’m back at home in Bristol, my ordeal is over! No thanks to bottles.”

Lady Sophia Stucky, the heiress, has been disowned publicly by her father Lord Stucky for allowing a tradesman to take her mantelpiece. “It has long been tradition that the Stucky daughters are married with their mantelpieces intact, this has brought unspeakable disgrace upon the family.” He said. Lady Sophia claimed that most girls lost their mantelpieces at age sixteen these days, and no one was scandalised.

Life will never be the same again for Kevin Bowen, a resident of Deane Street in Michael Haven after his experience last Saturday night. On leaving his local pub at around one in the morning, he claims to have looked up and seen what could possibly be millions of stars and the mind boggling idea of infinity struck him so hard that he almost fell over. Workmates welcomed him back on Monday to his Canvas Comforts factory in Dripton-on-the-Dale as a hero and were keen to ask him questions about his revelations. The BBC is set to make a drama documentary about Mr Bowen. But killjoy scientists and astronomers claimed last night to have known about these phenomena for years.

Atheists could be hard hit this Christmas, with new banning orders coming into force which could see them barred from midnight Carol services and Christmas dinner. Stockings are also likely to be confiscated until they learn to believe. It could be a hard holiday for leading God basher Dr Richard Dawkings who is said to look forward to his season of good cheer. Interviewed outside Hamleys where he had been with his parents to give them ideas for this year's jumbo gift fest. “I can’t believe this! God has got it so so wrong yet again! As if we needed more proof. And, hello! I’m the one to suffer. It’s just so not fair!” He said and then had a tantrum.

Born again Christian Rita Ryder of North Yorkshire who believes that God created the world only six thousand years ago has been banned from using petrol and other fossil fuels. “It has left me high and dry.” She told reporters, “How am I going to do the school run? How am I going to heat the house?” But authorities who see this as a test case are unlikely to compromise. “How can she possibly take advantage of these precious resources which according to her cannot exist?” Commented Doug Strange the Enforcement officer responsible for the case.

London Calling

A nationwide strike by hairdressers is set to continue for another gruelling week, salons across the country remain closed. The Prime Minister has called for calm and is rumoured to be thinking of sending in the army barbers. Hairdressers meanwhile reacted angrily to the accusation that secondary picketing by beauticians was illegal. Meanwhile thousands of perms have been cancelled, and a state of panic is spreading amongst the nations blondes as roots begin to show. Bus drivers, pilots and rock stars claim their fringes are getting dangerously close to their eyes and it is only a matter of time before a hair related disaster occurs. Negotiations at ACAS broke down when the hairdressers refused to discuss anything but their holiday in Ibiza and how mad they and their boyfriends are. Many retro mullets look now to be threatened. Pedicurists could be the next to follow in copycat actions.

A forum of animals has decided that the dove's long standing monopoly as universal peace symbol must be brought to an end. The doves reacted angrily to the move and said they would fight to maintain their status as the premier internationally recognised icon of brotherhood and love. Their main challenge is thought to come from the Hamster's Federation for Disarmament who claim to have achieved more for lasting peace than the doves. The doves ridiculed the image of a hamster holding the olive branch in his paws… because he couldn’t resist nibbling it.

God dismissed claims that he moves in mysterious ways as mischievous scandal mongering. He was somewhat embarrassed when caught making one of his famous mythical shimmies out of the back door of a Hollywood massage parlour! An archangel grabbed a photographer's camera and allegedly smashed it during a brief scuffle with the paparazzi. A man calling himself Pope John Paul, thought to have been obsessively stalking God for many years now, was arrested but is yet to be charged by police. God later attended an 'open forum' during which he launched his new automated call centres, the call centres have drawn much criticism with some claiming that prayers have been left in a stacking system and most remain unanswered.


Particularly slow snails have been asked to remain at the edge of their lanes to ease congestion - ants claim this as victory for their transport policy.


Mrs Phyllis Twinkle found a wrinkle when she sprinkled a little sugar on it by mistake.

A famous knitting pattern for all-butter Scotch shortbread was auctioned at Sotheby’s today for a record 20 pence, a Japanese collector is rumoured to have bought the piece. It was hoped the pattern would remain in the country but The Scottish Society for the Preservation of Oat Cakes, failed to raise the requisite funds. Some worry this will set a precedent and the complex and putatively Mesolithic embroidery pattern for the Digestive biscuit might now go the same way. The Royal Society of Custard creams was said to be crumbling at either end and to have gone soft.

Other news....

A man who claimed his wife had mistakenly got herself stuck between his teeth has been released on bail pending an orthodontist's report.

At a conference at the NEC in Birmingham today, Swallows demanded that they be known by a nicer name; in effect they are seeking a rebranding . Ornithologists worry this may encourage complaints from other aggrieved birds such as the Blue Tit, the Gamecock and the Thrush. It has long been a contentious issue as to why we have chosen such ignominious names for our birds. Pheasants are said to feel devalued, but then they lisp.

International News...
A controversial study at the University Of Southern California claims that George W. Bush has had an intelligent non planet threatening thought, but experts remain cautious: "Any study completed with absolutely solid empirical proof of this phenomenon would be of great significance, but we are unable at this juncture to refute or accept the veracity of the claim." A scientist informed us, the thought is believed to have been a mediation on the concomitant relevance of toilet and paper.

In Kashmir tensions rose again when Chandeed Patel threatened to put on all of his twenty pullovers, unless the Pakistani army removed its knitting squads from the Luki Valley. Mig jets of the Pakistani air force have been 'buzzing' Chandeed Patel's v-necks as a show of military strength and resolve in the face of such intimidation. Chandeed Patel has retaliated with a show of his underwear. The situation remains unstable.

A chicken has won a landmark victory at the Supreme Court today where it was claiming compensation for injuries caused by the barbecuing of its legs. The organisation, Fowl Freedom, a radical chicken group, who brought the action, was pelted with coleslaw and French fries & buttered corn on leaving the court room. But remained defiant responding with their mantra, "Fuck off!" Fowl language indeed.

A claim eggs come out of hen's bottoms has been strongly denied by the Hens in Business League. The hens assert that the eggs are manufactured as they always have been on a potter’s wheel from thin porcelain, the filling added at the end. They dismissed the photographic evidence of some of their members appearing to excavate egg shaped objects from their anuses as preposterous propaganda published by their rivals. When pressed by several journalists as to who exactly these rivals might be, the hens became quite aggressive and the news conference was ended abruptly.


And that is the news as it happens, when it happens from London Calling....London Calling....

Staff on Capital Hill in Washington have been placed under quarantine after a letter sent to the office of Congressman Daschle was believed to have contained thoughts. This represents a devastating attack at the very nerve centre of government. More worryingly experts agree that the thoughts if they are extra fine could affect staff. The thoughts from the letters could also seep into the air-conditioning and heating ducts, spreading as far as the Oval Office itself. An official was quoted today as saying; "Thoughts entering the seat of government illicitly leaves us in new terrain and we are feeling our way through right now. But we in America are confident of remaining a thoughtless nation no matter what the terrorists throw at us" Meanwhile the Senate has been evacuated until such time as it can be ascertained that it is totally thought free. Questions were raised as to how the Centre for Thought Control and Prevention could have got it so wrong, following the first case of thought attacks it was said there was no risk of exposure to ideas from merely handling sealed envelopes. Angry postal workers were wondering why the big shots on Capital Hill were treated immediately whereas they were not tested until five days later. A White House Spokesperson reassured the Nation that no thoughts had entered the Oval Office and that Mr Bush was confident that his presidency would continue to be untroubled by them.

Evil is on the increase. Politicians scarcely get through a speech without reminding us of acts of unmitigated evil. Evil is believed to have tripled in the month after the September 11th attack, compared with the previous month. Experts say this could represent a boom time for evil and a canny investor should be moving his money away from goodness and into the high risk but high return of evil. "A run on evil could be about to occur, investors are deserting Goodness in droves." Goodness has collapsed, falling by nearly 98 percent in the first financial quarter. Goodness might have to sell assets and its long standing stake in certain sectors.


Prayer addiction endemic in Tipperary convent.

Avocado and mayonnaise cocktail proves fatal for suicidal prawns

Man with crease in his trousers admits to eating sausage roll in Methodist chapel.