Vicar of Sniffwick

To Mrs Parry-Smith at Bailey House. She is most concerned by council plans to build several “affordable homes” on the land she sold for development. We have quite enough to contend with on the council estate as it is. Mr Parry-Smith joined us having put the condensed milk out for the gardener.

Later I was invited to Doctor Chaplin’s beautiful regency residence; there has been some little misunderstanding about his handling of Ms Robinson’s breasts. I’m sure a normal girl might be flattered to have them referred to as God’s own golden orbs. But Ms Robinson was not. I believe her close female companion who works in the Comprehensive School has mooted augmentation, or at least Mrs Whyte, she being a governor of the benighted school has told me.

I meet with a new and a very upset resident to our village, the distinguished StJohn Fowler, who bought Cleatherhope Cottage on the Playing Close for three quarters of a million. He complains that the youths are gathering at the pond and marring his view. I sympathise. He has rung the police, but to no avail, they do nothing, they could at least move the mob on,. Much the same has happened to the residents of the Old Primary School, who have to contend with the din from The Rose and Crown.

Letters in a Bedsit

Dear Mr Bennett,

Further to your allegations against my budgie apropos the alleged pecking incident I can only reaffirm that to my knowledge he has not left his cage for two weeks. That you are now claiming to have a severe case of psittacosis leads me to believe that rather than being assaulted by my budgie it is more than likely that you are erroneous in your visual knowledge of birds and you were in fact the victim of an attack by a parrot. (Why not go to the library and borrow the Observer Book of Birds?) As you know Mrs Murbbles has such an bird in her room, to whom she addresses herself on a daily basis. I suggest you take your complaint and lay it at that door. A budgie as you may or may not be aware has an extremely weak heart and the stress of the allegations made against him has done nothing to improve his health. I know you to be reasonable when you are not (how shall I put it?) in the cups. So I hope that this letter may find you in a sober and reflective mood.

PS I would not like to stop you nailing whatever pieces of wood you are nailing in your room, but would it be possible to desist by midnight? I was kept awake by your hammering until ten pm. I do not wish to be a killjoy, live and let live and so on, but the hammering and the yelling and Irish jigs do nothing for the sleep patterns of myself and of course the budgie.

I remain Sir

Your Neighbour.

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Dear Mr Bennett,

Further to our conversation of Tuesday 4th I would like to assure you I will have a set of your finger prints. If you had been more vigilant, you might have noticed the plasticine strategically placed along the top of the cupboard door. If you do not have something to hide then why not submit to my request and have the prints taken? But you refuse. (I wonder why?). As you know Mrs Murbbles made no protest and came into my room voluntarily to answer my questions. She will vouch that she was treated fairly and that none of her rights were infringed. She has since been cleared and has resumed her normal life. You might talk to her if you care to. She was offered tea afterwards; she accepted and ate a digestive biscuit in a perfectly civilised atmosphere. She said that I was a stern but impeccably fair interrogator.

To claim that I have no right to carry out this impartial investigation can only be viewed as obfuscation. You will be given every opportunity to defend yourself as Mrs Murbbles did. She looked justice in the face, she did not creep away! And justice did not find her wanting.

The fact that I am on your landing at certain times is irrelevant it is a communal area. If I choose to rest outside your door, then blame my asthma and not me. I would not think a Christian would begrudge an old man a moment to catch his breath.

It would be in everybody’s interests if the tranquillity of the household was returned by your co-operation in this simple request.

I remain Sir

Your Neighbour.


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Dear Mr Bennett,

I write with reference to last weeks misunderstanding. Perhaps you could have saved us all a lot and time and bother if you had explained that rather than ignoring my knocks you had been away in Spain for two weeks. Why you couldn’t come and tell me yourself I don’t know. I try to be a good person, I like to think I practise a Songs Of Praise Christianity which does not chastise unduly. It does not however preclude the fact that you have still not filled in the questionnaire I have been circulating. How am I to have a proper over view of the Boltings if residents are tardy in returning the forms? As you are aware there is also the incentive of a prize draw? I want to send the survey to the landlord as soon as possible. If you need a biro then there is one available which I am happy to supply. Otherwise there is one on the string by the W.C. The survey will take no more than thirty minutes of your time. I might add Mrs Murbbles enjoyed it very much. This survey is for everyone’s good. I urge you to fill it in.

I remain Sir

Your Neighbour


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Dear Mr Bennett,

Further to our conversation at the bus stop on 14th June, I feel I must respond to your accusations. My days are not ones filled with ‘ennui, onomism and angst!’ I have many varied hobbies, and eat a well balanced diet! so much for your accusation of onomism and as for ‘angst’ I don’t think you know how to spell English!

As we are neighbours who in the past have had one or two minor disagreements I do not wish to exasperate the situation. I am therefore in this instance prepared to accept a full and unreserved apology from yourself written forthwith. If you fail to respond as requested then you may well hear from my attorney at law Mr Tinker, (offices above the Laundromat), who I believe you know has represented me several times in actions of the past. It was I might add especially disingenuous of you to avail yourself of his services knowing full well that I was his client first. But that is another matter.

I look forward to receiving your retractions forthwith.

I remain Sir

Your Neighbour.

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Dear Mr Bennett,

I am not asking you to touch my sardine with a barge pole. I never asked you to do anything with it. I bought it, I shall keep it. Was your help too much to ask? A chance for you by way of a good turn to join the happy household has been offered and foolishly spurned. To goad me by challenging me to try my worst is deeply unhelpful. The fact is that afternoon, 20th June I went to my fishmongers, Hatts, on Essex Road and bought my usual two sardines for my tea. I have done so ever since my Portuguese cruise of 1974, when I was first introduced to the fish, but I digress. On returning home I took them from their wrappings to observe their freshness Hatt always hurries so when he serves me. As I put them on the dish prior to gutting them, I received a rather unpleasant and heart wrenching shock. One which could cause permanent damage. One of them, the larger of the two wriggled in my hands! I dropped it! My heart pounding, throat dry, legs trembling, I peered closer and its mouth gapped open. It wriggled again and when I picked it up, it jumped out of my hand. So I ran to the sink, not a little disturbed and put the thing in a bowl of water. Then somewhat shaken I rang Hatt to complain. He was extremely unhelpful and said that was the first complaint he had ever received about a fish being too fresh! The next thing I know I have the Islington Gazette knocking on my door wanting a story. Hatt has informed them of our private conversation! But back to the matter in hand. You cannot fail but to appreciate the miraculous nature which precipitated my request to borrow your vacant goldfish bowl. I know it is vacant! And I don’t see why I should have to rent it! Think what I have sacrificed, half my supper, I was left hungry as the fish swam before me as I digested his cousin. Is it too much for you, to give me the fish bowl? I know you said you keep old bus tickets in it but surely you can find somewhere else for them!

I remain Sir

Your Neighbour.

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Dear Mr Bennett,

To laugh at bereavement is cruel at the very least. I may not have as you appear to posses a constant stream of female masseurs as close friends but I do have I believe an affinity with our Royal family. The sad passing of two of its number is not a time for indulging in disruptive republicanism but standing together and mourning. The observation about me and my flies at half mast was puerile and offensive. Commemoration cups are not to be used as I am sure you are aware for whisky debauches, the fact that you had purloined all four from my cupboard leaves me to believe it was a deliberate act. That you had invited three Irishmen in for a drink I will pass over. But to then find my Princess Diana cracked and chipped on the draining board was a matter of some regret. So I state now and unequivocally, that I will not, do not, nor will I ever negotiate with terrorists. You can smash all the crockery you want to, but you will not smash the heart of this loyal lion, or the morale of the Royal Family.

I remain Sir

Your Neighbour.

Vicar of Sniffwick

I have been out and about over the Christmas period, busy meeting my parishioners. I was in the Red Lion on Boxing Day having a festive half pint when I heard a conversation in which Nigel Sommers mentioned that he knew the televisual presenter Jeremy Clarkson awfully well. How I laughed at the gasps from my fellow drinkers, how impressed they were with Nigel! Well as a priest I pointed out, I can honestly number Jesus Christ and God amongst my closest friends, now that is name dropping!

To the Dunhams in Wiltshire for the weekend, where I met once again a dear old friend, Miss Bone, who happily will be staying here with Mrs York at Granchester House in February. We spent many an hour in prayerful thought and meditation. How nice to have a break from one’s housekeeper!

I am very keen on attracting young people back to the church and to this “groovy” end I plan to run a Faith Club for our youngsters every Thursday evening from six until half past eight. “Fat Boy” Trevor will be in situ as it were, running the thing. Any one interested can just turn up and enjoy the fun and informal atmosphere. Bring a guitar if you want to rock and roll! How about a rape song about Christ? Get the synthesisers going!

For the older parishioners we are hoping to hold a monthly tea party at the vicarage to which everyone is welcome! We will provide tea and cakes, at a modest price, which should see off any undesirables, apart from the two required to serve said tea. Note to self, ask Mrs Clapworthy and Mrs Prunes.

There has been some consternation about my comments on the new youth project, as you know I am not au fait with modern vernacular and of course I meant to say a wrap song about Jesus Christ. Can this error now be laid to rest?

Went to bless the river for the upcoming coarse, (quite agree with that) angling season. Mr Clapworthy, the Chairman of the club, (Chairman indeed! how they do arrange things these people!) smoked right through the Fishers of Men, then insisted I make the first cast, snagged the blessed hook in a weeping willow! Succour was provided by Mrs York at tea time, who was quite as traumatised by the experience as I!

Made a pastoral visit to the new estate, where cars are parked on “Drives.” Forgive me but I thought a drive stretched more than eight feet! What would dear old Sir John have to say about that? Save us from the ghastly hot house atmosphere of the porch! What purpose does it serve? Where does one knock, or ring? Does one enter this appalling annex or not? Welcomed by a row of pungent shoes! The bell did not work and the letter box snapped my fingers off. A Mrs Bennett was accommodated in what they called the “front room”. It made me almost tearful to think that this was once the site of Lady Murray’s orchard, what gay times they were! The woman dipped her biscuits in her tea, heaven must be better organised! Eternity with this digestive dredger just won’t do.

London Calling

A nationwide strike by hairdressers is set to continue for another gruelling week, salons across the country remain closed. The Prime Minister has called for calm and is rumoured to be thinking of sending in the army barbers. Hairdressers meanwhile reacted angrily to the accusation that secondary picketing by beauticians was illegal. Meanwhile thousands of perms have been cancelled, and a state of panic is spreading amongst the nations blondes as roots begin to show. Bus drivers, pilots and rock stars claim their fringes are getting dangerously close to their eyes and it is only a matter of time before a hair related disaster occurs. Negotiations at ACAS broke down when the hairdressers refused to discuss anything but their holiday in Ibiza and how mad they and their boyfriends are. Many retro mullets look now to be threatened. Pedicurists could be the next to follow in copycat actions.

A forum of animals has decided that the dove's long standing monopoly as universal peace symbol must be brought to an end. The doves reacted angrily to the move and said they would fight to maintain their status as the premier internationally recognised icon of brotherhood and love. Their main challenge is thought to come from the Hamster's Federation for Disarmament who claim to have achieved more for lasting peace than the doves. The doves ridiculed the image of a hamster holding the olive branch in his paws… because he couldn’t resist nibbling it.

God dismissed claims that he moves in mysterious ways as mischievous scandal mongering. He was somewhat embarrassed when caught making one of his famous mythical shimmies out of the back door of a Hollywood massage parlour! An archangel grabbed a photographer's camera and allegedly smashed it during a brief scuffle with the paparazzi. A man calling himself Pope John Paul, thought to have been obsessively stalking God for many years now, was arrested but is yet to be charged by police. God later attended an 'open forum' during which he launched his new automated call centres, the call centres have drawn much criticism with some claiming that prayers have been left in a stacking system and most remain unanswered.


Particularly slow snails have been asked to remain at the edge of their lanes to ease congestion - ants claim this as victory for their transport policy.


Mrs Phyllis Twinkle found a wrinkle when she sprinkled a little sugar on it by mistake.

A famous knitting pattern for all-butter Scotch shortbread was auctioned at Sotheby’s today for a record 20 pence, a Japanese collector is rumoured to have bought the piece. It was hoped the pattern would remain in the country but The Scottish Society for the Preservation of Oat Cakes, failed to raise the requisite funds. Some worry this will set a precedent and the complex and putatively Mesolithic embroidery pattern for the Digestive biscuit might now go the same way. The Royal Society of Custard creams was said to be crumbling at either end and to have gone soft.

Other news....

A man who claimed his wife had mistakenly got herself stuck between his teeth has been released on bail pending an orthodontist's report.

At a conference at the NEC in Birmingham today, Swallows demanded that they be known by a nicer name; in effect they are seeking a rebranding . Ornithologists worry this may encourage complaints from other aggrieved birds such as the Blue Tit, the Gamecock and the Thrush. It has long been a contentious issue as to why we have chosen such ignominious names for our birds. Pheasants are said to feel devalued, but then they lisp.

International News...
A controversial study at the University Of Southern California claims that George W. Bush has had an intelligent non planet threatening thought, but experts remain cautious: "Any study completed with absolutely solid empirical proof of this phenomenon would be of great significance, but we are unable at this juncture to refute or accept the veracity of the claim." A scientist informed us, the thought is believed to have been a mediation on the concomitant relevance of toilet and paper.

In Kashmir tensions rose again when Chandeed Patel threatened to put on all of his twenty pullovers, unless the Pakistani army removed its knitting squads from the Luki Valley. Mig jets of the Pakistani air force have been 'buzzing' Chandeed Patel's v-necks as a show of military strength and resolve in the face of such intimidation. Chandeed Patel has retaliated with a show of his underwear. The situation remains unstable.

A chicken has won a landmark victory at the Supreme Court today where it was claiming compensation for injuries caused by the barbecuing of its legs. The organisation, Fowl Freedom, a radical chicken group, who brought the action, was pelted with coleslaw and French fries & buttered corn on leaving the court room. But remained defiant responding with their mantra, "Fuck off!" Fowl language indeed.

A claim eggs come out of hen's bottoms has been strongly denied by the Hens in Business League. The hens assert that the eggs are manufactured as they always have been on a potter’s wheel from thin porcelain, the filling added at the end. They dismissed the photographic evidence of some of their members appearing to excavate egg shaped objects from their anuses as preposterous propaganda published by their rivals. When pressed by several journalists as to who exactly these rivals might be, the hens became quite aggressive and the news conference was ended abruptly.


And that is the news as it happens, when it happens from London Calling....London Calling....

Staff on Capital Hill in Washington have been placed under quarantine after a letter sent to the office of Congressman Daschle was believed to have contained thoughts. This represents a devastating attack at the very nerve centre of government. More worryingly experts agree that the thoughts if they are extra fine could affect staff. The thoughts from the letters could also seep into the air-conditioning and heating ducts, spreading as far as the Oval Office itself. An official was quoted today as saying; "Thoughts entering the seat of government illicitly leaves us in new terrain and we are feeling our way through right now. But we in America are confident of remaining a thoughtless nation no matter what the terrorists throw at us" Meanwhile the Senate has been evacuated until such time as it can be ascertained that it is totally thought free. Questions were raised as to how the Centre for Thought Control and Prevention could have got it so wrong, following the first case of thought attacks it was said there was no risk of exposure to ideas from merely handling sealed envelopes. Angry postal workers were wondering why the big shots on Capital Hill were treated immediately whereas they were not tested until five days later. A White House Spokesperson reassured the Nation that no thoughts had entered the Oval Office and that Mr Bush was confident that his presidency would continue to be untroubled by them.

Evil is on the increase. Politicians scarcely get through a speech without reminding us of acts of unmitigated evil. Evil is believed to have tripled in the month after the September 11th attack, compared with the previous month. Experts say this could represent a boom time for evil and a canny investor should be moving his money away from goodness and into the high risk but high return of evil. "A run on evil could be about to occur, investors are deserting Goodness in droves." Goodness has collapsed, falling by nearly 98 percent in the first financial quarter. Goodness might have to sell assets and its long standing stake in certain sectors.


Prayer addiction endemic in Tipperary convent.

Avocado and mayonnaise cocktail proves fatal for suicidal prawns

Man with crease in his trousers admits to eating sausage roll in Methodist chapel.