Dear Mr Bennett,
Further to your allegations against my budgie apropos the alleged pecking incident I can only reaffirm that to my knowledge he has not left his cage for two weeks. That you are now claiming to have a severe case of psittacosis leads me to believe that rather than being assaulted by my budgie it is more than likely that you are erroneous in your visual knowledge of birds and you were in fact the victim of an attack by a parrot. (Why not go to the library and borrow the Observer Book of Birds?) As you know Mrs Murbbles has such an bird in her room, to whom she addresses herself on a daily basis. I suggest you take your complaint and lay it at that door. A budgie as you may or may not be aware has an extremely weak heart and the stress of the allegations made against him has done nothing to improve his health. I know you to be reasonable when you are not (how shall I put it?) in the cups. So I hope that this letter may find you in a sober and reflective mood.
PS I would not like to stop you nailing whatever pieces of wood you are nailing in your room, but would it be possible to desist by midnight? I was kept awake by your hammering until ten pm. I do not wish to be a killjoy, live and let live and so on, but the hammering and the yelling and Irish jigs do nothing for the sleep patterns of myself and of course the budgie.
I remain Sir
Your Neighbour.
------------------------------
Dear Mr Bennett,
Further to our conversation of Tuesday 4th I would like to assure you I will have a set of your finger prints. If you had been more vigilant, you might have noticed the plasticine strategically placed along the top of the cupboard door. If you do not have something to hide then why not submit to my request and have the prints taken? But you refuse. (I wonder why?). As you know Mrs Murbbles made no protest and came into my room voluntarily to answer my questions. She will vouch that she was treated fairly and that none of her rights were infringed. She has since been cleared and has resumed her normal life. You might talk to her if you care to. She was offered tea afterwards; she accepted and ate a digestive biscuit in a perfectly civilised atmosphere. She said that I was a stern but impeccably fair interrogator.
To claim that I have no right to carry out this impartial investigation can only be viewed as obfuscation. You will be given every opportunity to defend yourself as Mrs Murbbles did. She looked justice in the face, she did not creep away! And justice did not find her wanting.
The fact that I am on your landing at certain times is irrelevant it is a communal area. If I choose to rest outside your door, then blame my asthma and not me. I would not think a Christian would begrudge an old man a moment to catch his breath.
It would be in everybody’s interests if the tranquillity of the household was returned by your co-operation in this simple request.
I remain Sir
Your Neighbour.
------------------------------
Dear Mr Bennett,
I write with reference to last weeks misunderstanding. Perhaps you could have saved us all a lot and time and bother if you had explained that rather than ignoring my knocks you had been away in Spain for two weeks. Why you couldn’t come and tell me yourself I don’t know. I try to be a good person, I like to think I practise a Songs Of Praise Christianity which does not chastise unduly. It does not however preclude the fact that you have still not filled in the questionnaire I have been circulating. How am I to have a proper over view of the Boltings if residents are tardy in returning the forms? As you are aware there is also the incentive of a prize draw? I want to send the survey to the landlord as soon as possible. If you need a biro then there is one available which I am happy to supply. Otherwise there is one on the string by the W.C. The survey will take no more than thirty minutes of your time. I might add Mrs Murbbles enjoyed it very much. This survey is for everyone’s good. I urge you to fill it in.
I remain Sir
Your Neighbour
------------------------------
Dear Mr Bennett,
Further to our conversation at the bus stop on 14th June, I feel I must respond to your accusations. My days are not ones filled with ‘ennui, onomism and angst!’ I have many varied hobbies, and eat a well balanced diet! so much for your accusation of onomism and as for ‘angst’ I don’t think you know how to spell English!
As we are neighbours who in the past have had one or two minor disagreements I do not wish to exasperate the situation. I am therefore in this instance prepared to accept a full and unreserved apology from yourself written forthwith. If you fail to respond as requested then you may well hear from my attorney at law Mr Tinker, (offices above the Laundromat), who I believe you know has represented me several times in actions of the past. It was I might add especially disingenuous of you to avail yourself of his services knowing full well that I was his client first. But that is another matter.
I look forward to receiving your retractions forthwith.
I remain Sir
Your Neighbour.
------------------------------
Dear Mr Bennett,
I am not asking you to touch my sardine with a barge pole. I never asked you to do anything with it. I bought it, I shall keep it. Was your help too much to ask? A chance for you by way of a good turn to join the happy household has been offered and foolishly spurned. To goad me by challenging me to try my worst is deeply unhelpful. The fact is that afternoon, 20th June I went to my fishmongers, Hatts, on Essex Road and bought my usual two sardines for my tea. I have done so ever since my Portuguese cruise of 1974, when I was first introduced to the fish, but I digress. On returning home I took them from their wrappings to observe their freshness Hatt always hurries so when he serves me. As I put them on the dish prior to gutting them, I received a rather unpleasant and heart wrenching shock. One which could cause permanent damage. One of them, the larger of the two wriggled in my hands! I dropped it! My heart pounding, throat dry, legs trembling, I peered closer and its mouth gapped open. It wriggled again and when I picked it up, it jumped out of my hand. So I ran to the sink, not a little disturbed and put the thing in a bowl of water. Then somewhat shaken I rang Hatt to complain. He was extremely unhelpful and said that was the first complaint he had ever received about a fish being too fresh! The next thing I know I have the Islington Gazette knocking on my door wanting a story. Hatt has informed them of our private conversation! But back to the matter in hand. You cannot fail but to appreciate the miraculous nature which precipitated my request to borrow your vacant goldfish bowl. I know it is vacant! And I don’t see why I should have to rent it! Think what I have sacrificed, half my supper, I was left hungry as the fish swam before me as I digested his cousin. Is it too much for you, to give me the fish bowl? I know you said you keep old bus tickets in it but surely you can find somewhere else for them!
I remain Sir
Your Neighbour.
------------------------------
Dear Mr Bennett,
To laugh at bereavement is cruel at the very least. I may not have as you appear to posses a constant stream of female masseurs as close friends but I do have I believe an affinity with our Royal family. The sad passing of two of its number is not a time for indulging in disruptive republicanism but standing together and mourning. The observation about me and my flies at half mast was puerile and offensive. Commemoration cups are not to be used as I am sure you are aware for whisky debauches, the fact that you had purloined all four from my cupboard leaves me to believe it was a deliberate act. That you had invited three Irishmen in for a drink I will pass over. But to then find my Princess Diana cracked and chipped on the draining board was a matter of some regret. So I state now and unequivocally, that I will not, do not, nor will I ever negotiate with terrorists. You can smash all the crockery you want to, but you will not smash the heart of this loyal lion, or the morale of the Royal Family.
I remain Sir
Further to your allegations against my budgie apropos the alleged pecking incident I can only reaffirm that to my knowledge he has not left his cage for two weeks. That you are now claiming to have a severe case of psittacosis leads me to believe that rather than being assaulted by my budgie it is more than likely that you are erroneous in your visual knowledge of birds and you were in fact the victim of an attack by a parrot. (Why not go to the library and borrow the Observer Book of Birds?) As you know Mrs Murbbles has such an bird in her room, to whom she addresses herself on a daily basis. I suggest you take your complaint and lay it at that door. A budgie as you may or may not be aware has an extremely weak heart and the stress of the allegations made against him has done nothing to improve his health. I know you to be reasonable when you are not (how shall I put it?) in the cups. So I hope that this letter may find you in a sober and reflective mood.
PS I would not like to stop you nailing whatever pieces of wood you are nailing in your room, but would it be possible to desist by midnight? I was kept awake by your hammering until ten pm. I do not wish to be a killjoy, live and let live and so on, but the hammering and the yelling and Irish jigs do nothing for the sleep patterns of myself and of course the budgie.
I remain Sir
Your Neighbour.
------------------------------
Dear Mr Bennett,
Further to our conversation of Tuesday 4th I would like to assure you I will have a set of your finger prints. If you had been more vigilant, you might have noticed the plasticine strategically placed along the top of the cupboard door. If you do not have something to hide then why not submit to my request and have the prints taken? But you refuse. (I wonder why?). As you know Mrs Murbbles made no protest and came into my room voluntarily to answer my questions. She will vouch that she was treated fairly and that none of her rights were infringed. She has since been cleared and has resumed her normal life. You might talk to her if you care to. She was offered tea afterwards; she accepted and ate a digestive biscuit in a perfectly civilised atmosphere. She said that I was a stern but impeccably fair interrogator.
To claim that I have no right to carry out this impartial investigation can only be viewed as obfuscation. You will be given every opportunity to defend yourself as Mrs Murbbles did. She looked justice in the face, she did not creep away! And justice did not find her wanting.
The fact that I am on your landing at certain times is irrelevant it is a communal area. If I choose to rest outside your door, then blame my asthma and not me. I would not think a Christian would begrudge an old man a moment to catch his breath.
It would be in everybody’s interests if the tranquillity of the household was returned by your co-operation in this simple request.
I remain Sir
Your Neighbour.
------------------------------
Dear Mr Bennett,
I write with reference to last weeks misunderstanding. Perhaps you could have saved us all a lot and time and bother if you had explained that rather than ignoring my knocks you had been away in Spain for two weeks. Why you couldn’t come and tell me yourself I don’t know. I try to be a good person, I like to think I practise a Songs Of Praise Christianity which does not chastise unduly. It does not however preclude the fact that you have still not filled in the questionnaire I have been circulating. How am I to have a proper over view of the Boltings if residents are tardy in returning the forms? As you are aware there is also the incentive of a prize draw? I want to send the survey to the landlord as soon as possible. If you need a biro then there is one available which I am happy to supply. Otherwise there is one on the string by the W.C. The survey will take no more than thirty minutes of your time. I might add Mrs Murbbles enjoyed it very much. This survey is for everyone’s good. I urge you to fill it in.
I remain Sir
Your Neighbour
------------------------------
Dear Mr Bennett,
Further to our conversation at the bus stop on 14th June, I feel I must respond to your accusations. My days are not ones filled with ‘ennui, onomism and angst!’ I have many varied hobbies, and eat a well balanced diet! so much for your accusation of onomism and as for ‘angst’ I don’t think you know how to spell English!
As we are neighbours who in the past have had one or two minor disagreements I do not wish to exasperate the situation. I am therefore in this instance prepared to accept a full and unreserved apology from yourself written forthwith. If you fail to respond as requested then you may well hear from my attorney at law Mr Tinker, (offices above the Laundromat), who I believe you know has represented me several times in actions of the past. It was I might add especially disingenuous of you to avail yourself of his services knowing full well that I was his client first. But that is another matter.
I look forward to receiving your retractions forthwith.
I remain Sir
Your Neighbour.
------------------------------
Dear Mr Bennett,
I am not asking you to touch my sardine with a barge pole. I never asked you to do anything with it. I bought it, I shall keep it. Was your help too much to ask? A chance for you by way of a good turn to join the happy household has been offered and foolishly spurned. To goad me by challenging me to try my worst is deeply unhelpful. The fact is that afternoon, 20th June I went to my fishmongers, Hatts, on Essex Road and bought my usual two sardines for my tea. I have done so ever since my Portuguese cruise of 1974, when I was first introduced to the fish, but I digress. On returning home I took them from their wrappings to observe their freshness Hatt always hurries so when he serves me. As I put them on the dish prior to gutting them, I received a rather unpleasant and heart wrenching shock. One which could cause permanent damage. One of them, the larger of the two wriggled in my hands! I dropped it! My heart pounding, throat dry, legs trembling, I peered closer and its mouth gapped open. It wriggled again and when I picked it up, it jumped out of my hand. So I ran to the sink, not a little disturbed and put the thing in a bowl of water. Then somewhat shaken I rang Hatt to complain. He was extremely unhelpful and said that was the first complaint he had ever received about a fish being too fresh! The next thing I know I have the Islington Gazette knocking on my door wanting a story. Hatt has informed them of our private conversation! But back to the matter in hand. You cannot fail but to appreciate the miraculous nature which precipitated my request to borrow your vacant goldfish bowl. I know it is vacant! And I don’t see why I should have to rent it! Think what I have sacrificed, half my supper, I was left hungry as the fish swam before me as I digested his cousin. Is it too much for you, to give me the fish bowl? I know you said you keep old bus tickets in it but surely you can find somewhere else for them!
I remain Sir
Your Neighbour.
------------------------------
Dear Mr Bennett,
To laugh at bereavement is cruel at the very least. I may not have as you appear to posses a constant stream of female masseurs as close friends but I do have I believe an affinity with our Royal family. The sad passing of two of its number is not a time for indulging in disruptive republicanism but standing together and mourning. The observation about me and my flies at half mast was puerile and offensive. Commemoration cups are not to be used as I am sure you are aware for whisky debauches, the fact that you had purloined all four from my cupboard leaves me to believe it was a deliberate act. That you had invited three Irishmen in for a drink I will pass over. But to then find my Princess Diana cracked and chipped on the draining board was a matter of some regret. So I state now and unequivocally, that I will not, do not, nor will I ever negotiate with terrorists. You can smash all the crockery you want to, but you will not smash the heart of this loyal lion, or the morale of the Royal Family.
I remain Sir
Your Neighbour.
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