London Calling Exclusive.

Court Battle as Worm Turns

A millionaire Hindu businessman and Conservative councillor, who has been reincarnated as a worm was carried into High Court today to appeal against God’s decision. He was said to be comfortable inside a family sandwich box, but aghast at his plight.

Village News.

Clairvoyant Sheila Liggy has been denounced as a fraud after complaints that all her predictions about the future are all to do with events of The Second World War. “It’s plain ridiculous that she claims to have powers when I’ve seen all same BBC documentaries as her.” Commented one disappointed client, “We know we’ll win the Battle of Britain for God’s sake! We’ve all seen the film a thousand times.” But local historian Edward Mottleshaw begs to differ, “Her information has proved very useful for my upcoming book on the history of the War, she warned me about when the Nazis would invade Poland to the very minute, that was before the narrator on the programme had even said a word, I know I was there. She has been an invaluable resource for my research. People shouldn’t be so cynical, thanks to her we know when the Nazis will surrender and I for one sleep a little easier in my bed.”

Upholsterer and rugby fly half Jonnie Simpkins had the stuffing knocked out of him in the last game of the season on Saturday.

Marjorie Pleasant suffered a shock on Thursday night when her daughter of forty years finally revealed to her that she does not in fact have an identical twin. “It was quite a shock and embarrassment to discover that my sister Daisy was my own reflection. And they say the mirror never lies. What hurts is that we got on so well, I feel at quite a loss at what to do without her. She was always there for a chat when I needed her, now she’s gone.” Said Marjorie wiping a tear from her eye. A neighbour Burt Butclear is clearly bitter about the entire episode.  “She was so happy before, now there is no one to share her life with. And what’s more Daisy was a lovely lady, a real diamond. I was even thinking of popping the question to her until this disaster happened. Well, at the end of the day her daughter is the loser in all this. She used to get double presents from her Mum and her Aunty at Christmas and birthdays, now she won’t, and it serves her right for meddling.”