London Calling April

Wedding Numbers Row

 Paul Potts made a memorable  groom’s speech last Saturday at the reception in Dugley Village Hall, “You are a one in ten,” he told the blushing bride Kim Bashford. Kim’s father Don Bashford asked Paul if he wanted to add another six noughts to that. “No thanks Don, she is definitely a one in ten, numbers never lie.” Potts who works as a civil service statistician, was then pushed over the table and into the cake.

Downhill all the way.

Monty Blagg has finally hung up his skies after a career spanning thirty years. “The last time I was in the Alps I was really feeling it by the time I skied to the top of the mountain. I had to take the chairlift back down. I still believe in uphill skiing but I’m leaving the sport to make room for a younger man.” Said a clearly exhausted Blagg. He was also disappointed by the derision aimed at him by countless foreigners who take the easy route up and then ski down.

 

Fractious rowing team told they need to pull together.
 

Author of obscene publications given stiff sentence.
 

Haunted sofa causes another false alarm for Blinkystone village fire brigade. 

Séance unexpectedly cancelled.

Scouts sponsered bicyle ride ruined for third year running by theft of  the local B128 road out of Plengay. 

Saucy Dancing.

The Chiplley Women's Institute Salsa club closed unexpectedly when the ladies discovered that salsa means sauce in Spanish, “Some of the older members were sceptical right from the beginning, when Jorge, otherwise know as Derek Paster, started thrusting parts of himself all over the place, then we learnt we were dancing Latin Sauce, and that was it.” Said Margaret Perry, “It’s the Common Market gone crazy.” She added.

 Hotel phantom might go to arbitration.

Gay ghost complains about homophobic remarks made at hotel he haunts. “I clearly heard two residents in the bar joking that they hoped I wouldn’t put the willies up them that night. I made the manager aware of the comments, but he dismissed them as a little light repartee.”