London Calling 29 November

Medical Miracle.

A Dagenham man who lost sight of his penis while urinating a year ago received good news today. Dave Toady was told by doctors it was only because his penis was now obscured by his distended, beer swollen belly, and there was nothing to worry about. A relieved Toady told us, “It came as quite a shock, I remember always being able to see it when I was having a slash. And then pow! The tip disappeared!”  Toady who had taken to sitting on the loo in the Lady’s cubicle of his local pub since the trouble began said he was looking forward to being able to go to the Gents again and stand at the urinal with his mates.


Pope shifts his view on condom use.

Pope applauds use of condoms as party balloons in Africa. “I have no problem with people using condoms for recreational purposes, only the other day a Cardinal blew one up and stuck it on his head, it was hilarious.”

London Calling 22 November

Government nepotism, or simply the best people for the job?

In another shock to the world of politics, petrol pump attendant Nigel Paish is surprise choice for new Energy Minister, as the appointments continue for the new government in which eight ennoblements including Mr (now Lord) Paish all come from Scrutton Secondary Modern, in Rainford, also attended by the Prime Minister. Another ex alumni Sharon West was amazed by the call to govern as she was just finishing her shift at Macdonalds. “I couldn’t believe it when Dave rang and said he was the Prime Minister and that he wanted me, as like a food advisor, that I’d be a Lady, never been called that before. You know Dave pretends to be posh, but he’s not really.” She added. Questions are being asked in the House if the nation is best served by the Prime Minister giving all the posts to his old school friends. The New Speaker former tractor driver Bill Biggins ruled that it was “Fair play boy.” And left the House for a pint.


Academic News.

Neophyte student Louie Sandys was last night recovering after four weeks of rigorous academic life finally took its toll. Studious Sandys is the first of his family ever to learn to read and write.  He started at York University this October reading Linguistics. The Devonshire genius did not crawl into bed until half past eight on Sunday Morning, and was not up at the time of writing this article. Sandys who is ill, claims to have caught Fresher’s Flu, either at the all night house party, the poker marathon, the Halloween Rave, the other party the foreign girl had, the night in the pub for a quiet drink, the Student’s Union Vodka 100, the lunchtime cider contest, his party in his room when he lost his favourite hoody, the Saturday Night special at Sparkles Disco (students half price), The Paintball and Beer War, other party at someone’s flat, (forgotten who), or most likely from a draft in the library where he hasn’t even been yet.

Pages from history. Victorian News

The incredible trial of the Honourable Horace Bunsen, the serial seducer continued in sensational fashion at the Old Bailey today. The prosecution admitted into evidence Bunsen’s most infamous device, a spinning wheel with over fifty ‘licking’ tongues attached to it, with which he tormented unsuspecting virgins into paroxysms of shame.  

Two ladies in the public gallery fainted at the sight of the infernal machine as prosecution barrister FitzWilliam FitzStJohn demonstrated its use, the tongues moistened in a small reservoir of water below the wheel then flapped lasciviously against a strategically placed sponge, illuminating for the whole horrified court the demonic effect of the invention.

Defence barrister Jeremy Hadwilly pleaded with the jury to understand the man, and not condemn the notorious philanderer to prison and thus ignominy. “This man is not a maniac, his only sin was to love too much, and therein lay his obsession, to pleasure as many unfortunate young women of the lower orders as possible.”

“What man but a raving lunatic would have ivory dentures affixed to his anus?” Countered FitzWilliam FitzStJohn.

The case continues.

London Calling 9 November

Factory Closure Ends Era.

As the last lead balloon goes down the conveyor belt, at Low & Sons Ltd.  owner Reginald Low looks visibly shaken. “I never thought I’d see the day.” He says ruefully. But that day has come for this family firm in Barnsley with over one hundred and fifty years of history. The factory is to close with the loss of at least 30 jobs, as the market in lead balloons, cast iron stomachs, and small packets containing the last straw has collapsed.

He shows us one of the cancelled orders for pictures each individually packed with a thousand words, a shelf containing chocolate teapots, black pots and black  kettles, and then piles of dirty laundry to be aired in public. Surplus albatrosses  hang from metal beams, ready for someone’s neck. He picks up a packet of all fingers and thumbs, dating from the nineteen twenties, “A very popular line then.” He says ruefully as he gives me a paper bag containing ants ready added to pants. Over at the fireplace he sadly stokes a few old flames which will have to be extinguished soon.

Competition from China and changing markets is blamed for the death of England’s last Idiom factory which in its heyday exported to every corner of the British Empire.



Local News.

Bungalow suicide bungler Bill Sparrow has finally accepted defeat after attempting yet another bid for oblivion from his living room window. “This place is just not suitable for me, I’ve asked the council to rehouse me in a tower block and they flatly refused. It takes an amazing amount of time and effort to psyche myself up for the bid and each time it ends in the marigold border no worse for wear.”

Friends and neighbours have kindly clubbed together to buy Bill a ticket to Beachey head, but he says he has mixed feelings about this. “When I heard they were fundraising for the ticket I was touched, I know how much coach travel costs these days. But then I decided I wanted to wait awhile and keep the money they presented to me, to see how things shaped up with other opportunities, and then everyone got a bit annoyed when I said I wasn’t going.”

A neighbour who wishes to stay anonymous told us, “We did a raffle and a half marathon around the village, there’s a collection jar in the pub too, to raise the funds for him, and we feel like Bill has cheated us, we raised the money in good faith and we believe he spent it not on the ticket but in the Rose and Crown.” But Bill denies this, “The money I spent in the pub was legitimate beer money, although I did supplement a round from the collection jar on the bar.”

So as it stands there will be no more leaps into the unknown for Bill Sparrow, until maybe Christmas 2010.