News from London Calling

Legal  News.

A couple who appeared at Marylebone Magistrates Court was again behind bars tonight. The two penguins from London Zoo pled guilty to two charges of fare evasion and illegal use of an Oyster Card, and requested that a further seven offences which occurred at Billingsgate Market to be taken into consideration.

Medical Story

A man who couldn’t fly has been cured when it was discovered that he was in fact suffering from attitude sickness. An expert deciphered his local doctor’s handwriting, along with another victim who was believed to be suffering from the plague when in fact it was plaque. “I had all these boils and sores for nothing; I only needed to go to the dentist.” Complained Mr Guru-Murphy of Bromley, who wishes to be known only as Mr X. The G.P. in question has written to the two patients offering his Apollo Cheese.

Religious Affairs

In a wide ranging interview Jesus revealed today that he feels deep sympathy for Prince Charles, The King in waiting, as the Queen embarks on the celebrations for her Diamond Jubilee in 2012. “My Dad is always going on about me and the second coming and all that, but at the end of the day he’s got no intention of retiring, even after two millennia, look at the Devil he was meant to be out in one, but he’s still waiting. It’s all very well being the Prince of Princes but what about the King of Kings that’s got more of a ring to it. So to be honest I do feel for Charles. He has his critics and so do I for that matter, people like Professor Dawkins are always saying they don’t believe in me, but they have to give me the opportunity to prove myself once and for all, but until the boss hands over the reigns there is no chance of that, and that goes for Charles as well.” More from this exclusive interview when we have made it up in a day or two.

A secret message regarding lost treasure: Mr X says he is extremely happy to hear that Mark’s found Spot the dog. Did you get that?

London Calling Christmas Extra

Five people required emergency microsurgery after a Christmas finger food party went horribly wrong. “I would urge the public to take particular care especially at Christmas and perhaps avoid finger food mixed with alcohol.” Advised Professor Harman Tyne, having sewn back on two forefingers, two index fingers and a lady’s thumb.

He who laughs longest laughs….opps sorry about that we’re shut.

The sales frenzy began at six o’clock on Boxing Day morning as a mob of nine or ten, or perhaps even eleven, according to police estimates, flooded through  the doors of Lurners Department Store in Holt. One maddened shopper said he didn’t care what he bought as long as it was half price. The vicar’s wife who wished to remain anonymous wanted a new handbag, but instead was elbowed in the face by Les Grout as he grabbed a handful of ladies underwear. Local shoplifters Ernie Spatts and his wife Enid stayed away saying sales made their job hardly worth the bother, but that they vowed to be back in the New Year.

St Mary´s Church in Weybourne has made an unusual concession to the weekender atheists in its congregation by adding to its Nativity scene a small figure dressed in a corduroy suit. It is standing by the crib and gesticulating at the Baby Jesus, and will remain there until the 28th of December, when it is is thought everyone will go back to London.

What next for Hemly village’s Knitting Circle now that it is complete?

The Tudor Tearoom in Holt is to be bought by arch rival James Stuart, it was announced to day. In what is being claimed will be a disaster for the customers. "This Stuart chap just isn´t my cup of tea, I´m sure I saw him popping into see the Catholic Priest with some cakes the other day." Said habitual client Mrs Lewd.

Norfolk

Strange to hear in an orchard
(Where the bones of fish
Are caught in the grass
And the shade beckons
Some cooler secret
From the shrouded picnic),
A confession by way of a joke.
A voluble drunk
With amber
Whisky doses himself and
Launches tirades
Into the apple laden branches.
Half funny and equally sad
He moans on,
Like a mesmerised actor
No longer believing in his speech.
Shimmering fields
Make more sadness
Of his flightless words as they
Trickle out of reach.
Words learnt as a child
Lost as a man.
He decries his debtors
Who he believes to be his
Father and mother
And recently departed wife.
He holds his audience
In silent, patient attention
Guessing he is but a parenthesis
In the teaming sentence of life,
And that to be liked
Is surely the loneliest of things.

Portrait of an Old Man

Portrait of an Old Man

He thought it was an undignified retreat
As he sat on the commode
Overlooking the Archway Road.
Driving traffic in its brutish roar
Passed his graffiti strewn door.
I expected to be some sort of a sage
Of an antique age,
Rather than a pensioner
With only tinned pilchards to eat
In tomato sauce,
Accompanied by a guilty whisky
Taken neat.
His eyes sunken into their sockets
His hands warmed in thread less pockets.
Now pulled down to his bruised thighs,
And his shirt un-tucked
Poked out from the jumper
A slave to his prostrate
A terrified refugee from cancer.

Calling London Health and Smoking

Health and Smoking.

Being told by your doctor to kick the habit after over thirty years can be a bit daunting.

I grew up in a different era when smoking was socially acceptable, but at the time, as a lad, I thought people only smoked after having sex.

You saw it all the time at the pictures, and on the telly, man and woman kissing, fade to black then a train and tunnel,  ram bashing at a castle door, or what not and then back to the happy couple having a smoke. So you can imagine my surprise seeing my Dad having a post match puff in the bar with his mates at the local football club.

Think of it, me back then as an eighteen year old gagging for a snout, but having to go through the rigmarole of queuing up in Soho’s red-light district to see a prostitute just so I could have a fag with my pint. Chain smoking certainly burnt a hole in my pocket as a young man.

I later found out that sex was part of life, not nicotine related at all, but by then it was too late I had syphilis and lung cancer.

Calling You With The News.

A dentist who lost both his arms as a boy in a bailing machine, denied sexual assault and claimed today in Bugly Crown Court that the only way he could check his patients’ cavities was with his tongue.

Students were queuing up outside geography teacher Brain Greenwood’s classroom at Braintree Comprehensive when the rumour got round that his pupils were doing at least fifty lines a week.

A counterfeiting ring has been active at many North Norfolk car boot fairs, a police spokesperson said today. One of the victims was a Mrs Major Willoghby who bought a china ant for four pounds and was given a pound change. She left the coin outside the house for a few days before going on her weekly shop,  and found to her surprise it was not accepted as legal tender. Police are warning the public to be vigilant and watch out for these coins which measure a foot in diameter, and weigh approximately 10lbs. “These coins are easily palmed off on the unsuspecting public so we do advise vigilance especially as we approach the Christmas season. If it doesn’t fit in a purse or pocket then don’t accept it.”