News from London Calling

Legal  News.

A couple who appeared at Marylebone Magistrates Court was again behind bars tonight. The two penguins from London Zoo pled guilty to two charges of fare evasion and illegal use of an Oyster Card, and requested that a further seven offences which occurred at Billingsgate Market to be taken into consideration.

Medical Story

A man who couldn’t fly has been cured when it was discovered that he was in fact suffering from attitude sickness. An expert deciphered his local doctor’s handwriting, along with another victim who was believed to be suffering from the plague when in fact it was plaque. “I had all these boils and sores for nothing; I only needed to go to the dentist.” Complained Mr Guru-Murphy of Bromley, who wishes to be known only as Mr X. The G.P. in question has written to the two patients offering his Apollo Cheese.

Religious Affairs

In a wide ranging interview Jesus revealed today that he feels deep sympathy for Prince Charles, The King in waiting, as the Queen embarks on the celebrations for her Diamond Jubilee in 2012. “My Dad is always going on about me and the second coming and all that, but at the end of the day he’s got no intention of retiring, even after two millennia, look at the Devil he was meant to be out in one, but he’s still waiting. It’s all very well being the Prince of Princes but what about the King of Kings that’s got more of a ring to it. So to be honest I do feel for Charles. He has his critics and so do I for that matter, people like Professor Dawkins are always saying they don’t believe in me, but they have to give me the opportunity to prove myself once and for all, but until the boss hands over the reigns there is no chance of that, and that goes for Charles as well.” More from this exclusive interview when we have made it up in a day or two.

A secret message regarding lost treasure: Mr X says he is extremely happy to hear that Mark’s found Spot the dog. Did you get that?