Football is less and less of a spectator sport according to the manager of Chadlington United, Ted Gumdrip. “At the last home game there were more players than spectators; we outnumbered them eleven to one, not including the subs and Cyril of course.” A clearly bemused Gumtip continued, “A lady did watch for a minute or two, but then her dog made a pitch incursion and we can’t have that.” ‘Bims’ Jewson, Chadlington’s veteran defender blamed a lot of it on girlfriends and wives. “If it’s pissing down, they can’t be arsed to come out, my Mrs was sitting in the car in the car park, she had a right egg on her when I see her in the club house. They all think they’re Wags or whatever you call it, going down the hairdressers every Friday, and that. Drinking Breezers what costs an arm and leg. Can’t live with them can’t live without them.” He added philosophically. So what future for football? Ted Gumtrip is pessimistic, “If Cyril was took sick or something that would be about it, no one cheering for Chadlington, Cyril’s the most fanatical supporter we ever had. I don’t reckon we could carry on without him.” So the future looks bleak for football unless an unwilling public can be enticed back onto the terraces.
Part-time magician Nigel Hanley had to conjure himself out of a dilemma last night when he found himself locked out of his Bradfield home with only a white rabbit and a wand on him! He had left his keys at Rose Crescent Retirement Home where he had been performing for residents in the Sunny Saturday Variety Show. Mr Hanley claimed he repeatedly rang the doorbell to no avail. He then threw a pebble in desperation at his mother’s window, but he couldn’t wake her. Recently bereaved Margaret Hanley was fast asleep recovering from a particularly rainy episode of Jack Frost, starring David Jason. She told Bradfield local radio that she heard nothing during the night. Luckily for Mr Hanley his neighbour Rita Carter invited him to stay with her. She spotted him from her bedroom window, just as things were getting desperate for Mr Hanley, having run out of ammunition from the rose border. Nigel’s mother is reported to have said it was quite a surprise to see him walking out of Rita Carter’s house at eight in the morning, holding his wand and smiling. Mrs Hanley has now said that she wants to draw a line under the whole affair. A police spokesperson said they were delighted with the happy resolution to the incident but did warn the public against the advisability of throwing pebbles at windows. Nigel Hanley was given a hero’s welcome when he returned to work on Monday.
Trans-trans-sexuals were celebrating last night when it was announced they are to receive an E.U. grant. Jeff Muller, formally Jane Muller and before that Jerry Muller is to head the new organisation. “We aim to give a voice to people in the cross over, cross over again community. We’ll hold workshops on trans gender return and bridging the difference, as well as celebrating the more light hearted side of life, with line dancing, bingo and Socks and Tights Nights.” Ted Duncan, a recent member, has lost count of how many times he has changed sex, “My wife stands by me, but she is getting a bit sick of us swapping and changing every six months. If it wasn’t for the caravan I think we might have divorced by now.”
A jigsaw thief was bound over to keep the peace at Tedminster Magistartes Court today.
Serial killers are to be banned from all Tesco stores. The move is seen in industry circles as a somewhat cosmetic move in response to the bad press Tesco has been encountering recently in the liberal press. Experts say Tesco wishes to be seen as more socially responsible after its court battle with The Guardian Newspaper. “We need to take the lead in discouraging antisocial behaviour; we are not here just to make money but to serve the community.” Said a Tesco spokesperson. Consumer Groups last night however reacted cautiously, “We welcome the news, but question just how much good this move will do.” Defiant serial killers pledged to fight the ban and threatened to take Tesco all the way to the European Court Of Human Rights.
Part-time magician Nigel Hanley had to conjure himself out of a dilemma last night when he found himself locked out of his Bradfield home with only a white rabbit and a wand on him! He had left his keys at Rose Crescent Retirement Home where he had been performing for residents in the Sunny Saturday Variety Show. Mr Hanley claimed he repeatedly rang the doorbell to no avail. He then threw a pebble in desperation at his mother’s window, but he couldn’t wake her. Recently bereaved Margaret Hanley was fast asleep recovering from a particularly rainy episode of Jack Frost, starring David Jason. She told Bradfield local radio that she heard nothing during the night. Luckily for Mr Hanley his neighbour Rita Carter invited him to stay with her. She spotted him from her bedroom window, just as things were getting desperate for Mr Hanley, having run out of ammunition from the rose border. Nigel’s mother is reported to have said it was quite a surprise to see him walking out of Rita Carter’s house at eight in the morning, holding his wand and smiling. Mrs Hanley has now said that she wants to draw a line under the whole affair. A police spokesperson said they were delighted with the happy resolution to the incident but did warn the public against the advisability of throwing pebbles at windows. Nigel Hanley was given a hero’s welcome when he returned to work on Monday.
Trans-trans-sexuals were celebrating last night when it was announced they are to receive an E.U. grant. Jeff Muller, formally Jane Muller and before that Jerry Muller is to head the new organisation. “We aim to give a voice to people in the cross over, cross over again community. We’ll hold workshops on trans gender return and bridging the difference, as well as celebrating the more light hearted side of life, with line dancing, bingo and Socks and Tights Nights.” Ted Duncan, a recent member, has lost count of how many times he has changed sex, “My wife stands by me, but she is getting a bit sick of us swapping and changing every six months. If it wasn’t for the caravan I think we might have divorced by now.”
A jigsaw thief was bound over to keep the peace at Tedminster Magistartes Court today.
Serial killers are to be banned from all Tesco stores. The move is seen in industry circles as a somewhat cosmetic move in response to the bad press Tesco has been encountering recently in the liberal press. Experts say Tesco wishes to be seen as more socially responsible after its court battle with The Guardian Newspaper. “We need to take the lead in discouraging antisocial behaviour; we are not here just to make money but to serve the community.” Said a Tesco spokesperson. Consumer Groups last night however reacted cautiously, “We welcome the news, but question just how much good this move will do.” Defiant serial killers pledged to fight the ban and threatened to take Tesco all the way to the European Court Of Human Rights.
No comments:
Post a Comment