London Calling

An embarrassing moment for Saint Christopher on his annual walking holiday in the Lake District when heavy cloud came down to cause a ‘white out’ and he lost his way “It just goes to show no one is infallible.” The clearly relieved Saint commented as he descended from the Mountain Rescue helicopter.

London Calling

Reg Barley was turned away from the British Museum a disappointed man on Friday morning. “I was on holiday in Egypt and while I was there we had a lovely trip laid on to the Valley of Kings where I bought half a kilogramme of a pyramid. I thought it would be a nice little investment in ancient history. Now they tell me it isn’t worth a thing.” The British Museum was unavailable for comment.

Serial nervous breakdown sufferer Irene O’Connor said she had nearly given up the ghost until she discovered the joys of bartering with her local Bangladeshi market tradesmen.

History could be a thing of the past claims expert.

Successful kidnappers Jackie Hall and John Peterson have decided to retire, they plan to open a small Bed & Breakfast business in Whitstable, Kent. They said that old clients would be welcome as long as they didn’t stay too long! Everyone wishes them all the best.

Father John Holland was fined for leaving the scene of an accident at Witney Magistrates Court today. Father Holland double parked his car outside Spangles Lap Dancing Club in Hazlehurst Road. On leaving the club he reversed into a Ford Sierra damaging the left hand head light and denting the front bumper. Father Holland then fled the scene. Witness Amanda Luxton who happens to be a Special Constable took down his registration number. In court he claimed to have panicked because it was raining heavily and he was being pursued by the Devil himself all day. Catholic officials said Father Holland is shattered by the whole experience and will be joining an isolated community of priests to meditate upon his sins.

London Calling

“My brother-in-law Nigel Morris always comes to see our fireworks, in fact it’s the one time of the year when he’s busy socially. Although they are dull and boring and can spoil the party a little, we do advise people to invite at least one wet blanket to this year’s Bonfire Night celebrations.” Said Chief Fire Officer Ron Hubbard

Meditator Paul Heathcoat-Jones who downsized to Totnes in Devon five years ago is furious with marketing company Cloud Finder Incorporated. “Every time I achieve a transcendental state messages suddenly pop into my head about ethical banking, sustainable energy, organic food and who knows what else.” He told our reporter. “I worked as an advertising executive for twenty years so I know all about this kind of marketing, and it’s not on.” He added, helping himself to another cup of Fair Trade Tea. Trisha Watts head of Cloud Finder Incorporated is unrepentant, “We have several dedicated Meditation Centres in Bombay serving our clients marketing needs, it’s a very ecological form of communication and we have some of the very best Yogis delivering our service. Our consumers are very carefully targeted and many are happy to receive our messages when in a higher state of being, it facilitates clear decision making and inspires informed choice. You know this is more than just about us here, it’s about consciousness raising, and that’s what marketing is at the end of the day.” But Heathcoat-Jones remains unconvinced, “It’s an intrusion into my personal space, but more importantly they are exploiting those yogis in India, even if they are advertising Birkenstock shoes which I happen to like.”

Helpful life model Alan Hanks always wears socks and mittens for his artists. “Fingers and hands are so awfully difficult to draw. I do what I can to help my artists, they don’t have nasty toes and feet to paint, just a nice pair of clean socks. It makes life easier, and I must admit it keeps me from getting too chilly in the Scout Hut. I got the idea from Greek statues, they were geniuses, but even they knew their artistic limits. ”

Enthusiastic architect warned to keep his plans in perspective.

London Calling

An inflatable doll could be a thing of the past for randy emphysema sufferer Derek Short. A breathless Derek told us, “My sister promised to buy me a foot pump for Christmas, I lied and told here I needed it for my bike. The s**t will really hit the fan if she finds out what it’s really for.” Derek Short like thousands of men all over the country looks for companionship from his inflatable doll and feels misunderstood by society. “She’s more than a you know what,” he winked from his porch window. “But try telling people that when we go out for a quiet curry in town. She dresses provocatively I know, but that’s no reason to insult her, it’s her choice and it should be respected. She goes topless on the beach in the summer, so what? It’s natural. I think they’re jealous. The tragedy is that now she’s just an empty shell of her former self, and my neighbour Nigel won’t even blow her up for me.” He panted before having to close the porch window.

London Calling

A Missing persons club in Horsham opened this month. “It’s great to come here and meet so many other missing people,” said Ralph Pandy who has not been home since 1985. “It’s a chance to get together and swap stories and give each other support.” Missing people have a lot of problems which normal people take for granted, such as opening bank accounts and finding accommodation. “Being a missing person I don’t know where I am from the one week to the next.” Complained Alison Ross, who hasn’t seen her husband for twenty years. “A missing persons club is a fantastic idea; I’ve met a bank manager here who gave me some super tips.” When asked about her husband she said he was amazingly supportive and was still photocopying pictures of her and appearing regularly on Good Morning Radio appealing for information. “He’s the best! I couldn’t have done it without him! We’ve got a contract now to write a book which has given me more financial security, I can’t really complain about my life.” The club’s next location has yet to be confirmed.

BBC cleaner Howard Appaih was celebrating last night as he clenched his new contract worth a staggering eighteen million pounds over three years. Other ancillary staff are said to be unhappy and believe the wage is way too inflated, especially as cutbacks on stars are continuing. But Mr Appaih was unrepentant, “They know how good I am and that they could lose me to another network, but now I’m staying here - for the next three years at least.” TV's Terry Wogan spoke in defence of Appaih, “Who wouldn’t want eighteen million pounds? Let’s be honest here, people are just jealous of Mr Appaih.” Sources close to Mr Appaih added the he was offered a nightshift slot at GMTV but he turned it down in favour the BBC.

In a shock move by the FA the next England international will be played by writers. “Wayne Rooney is too busy redrafting his latest biography and Steve Gerard has commitments promoting his new book, so I was asked to join the team." Said a visibly thrilled Magnus Mills. Mills is seen as being the safest pair of hands in goal for a revitalised England. “The team is really hungry, Andrew O’Hagan from Faber and Faber will play a key role in midfield." David Peace is rumoured to have got the call up in Japan last night. "We can really prove something to the nation this time. It’s a great opportunity for the lads. And what's more I can drive the team bus which will save us a few quid.” Mills added, before taking the wheel of the team coach to drive to the first training session in Hertfordshire. Others thought to have been selected include, Sceptre’s dark genius Jake Arnott, and Harper’s Ian Sansom.

London Calling

Red faced bank robber Ray Bentley had to wait for the council to unclamp his getaway car outside Barclays on Friday morning. “It’s ridiculous the parking restrictions in the High Street these days, do they seriously expect me to get the Park and Ride Bus, like some muppet of a shoplifter?” The council claims the zoning has been in effect for over six months now.

Constable Spencer Cahill has been given a commendation after foiling an attempted escape at Kingly’s Pet shop in Satterfield Road. “We had the pets under surveillance for over a year; the suspects include a group of four Andorran rabbits and two particularly nasty Columbian guinea pigs. It was thorough police work and excellent intelligence which helped us resolve this case.” It was claimed late last night that a canary with its head covered by a blanket had been taken into protective custody by armed police officers.

A man was found wandering around the town centre last night. Luckily his progress was monitored on closed circuit TV as he repeatedly failed to find his way. He was first seen sitting on a bench and consulting the town plan in the square. Cameras then recorded him walking towards the Blair Road light industrial estate, from which he returned twenty minutes later. He then went up Ford Street and spent ten minutes in Appleford Avenue where he stood outside the Clarence Hotel. He attempted to knock on the hotel’s door, but luckily police were on hand and finally arrested him at the Bingley Road bus stop.

Advertising News.

Kevin Pratt, a life long Chelsea supporter, was “Gob smacked” on Friday having been sacked from his position at direct mail marketing company, Direction Data Mail Corporation. “I've been stuffing envelopes, doing deliveries and all the other dirty work around here for over ten years now, when suddenly news comes down from on high that I’m wanted by the Vice President of Marketing and Client Relations - that’s Tracy Barker to you and me.” Tracy who once appeared in a documentary on single mothers with high pressure careers had something to tell Kevin. “It was a brief meeting,” said a clearly bemused Kevin, “She told me advertising was all about sex, and I just didn’t have it, sex that is. We’ll see what Peter has to say about this when he gets back from Spain,” snorted Kevin, referring to Peter Dew the owner of the successful company. “I was here before her and I’ll be here a long time after her too.” He confided to our reporter.

When we rang Ms Barker we were told she was unavailable for comment. An anonymous source within the company, however, has made a shocking claim that Tracy’s demands on junior members of the team are often inappropriate. “I knew trouble was starting when she gave me a lift home and she was playing one of those CDs of one hundred top opera moments. She kept flicking her hair around and missing the gear stick and grabbing my knee. Her skirt was riding up her legs and she was talking about me having to assert myself more. Luckily her ex and father of her child, (the President of Brands City & Corporate Meat Caterers, Douglas Shelly) rang and wanted an urgent half hour conference with her, so she dumped me at the bus stop.”

Indeed all ended happily for Terry when a tanned and relaxed Peter Dew fresh from his golf trip in Malaga immediately had Terry reinstated, saying the whole thing was nothing more than a harmless joke.

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Top advertising executive Tracy Barker celebrated twenty years of success with Direction Data Mail Corporation last night with an Oscar style ceremony at the Sheldon Park Hotel. The evening was hosted by her brother Giles, an actor from Godalaming in Surrey. The Tracys, small statuettes specially crafted to resemble the Oscars were on display in the lobby area for all to see at the champagne reception, before the festivities began in the conference suite.

The awards included Best Female Support which went to Shelly Barker, Tracy’s mother. The Tracy for Best Director went to her boss Peter Dew. Tracy’s award for Best Male Lead went to colleague Simon Trumps, the Tulip Telecom account manager. The Top Creative award was won by Chris Lichen for his outstanding creative input on the Parckard Oscillator account. There were no surprises when Best Male Support went to Giles Barker.

Tracy could not hold back the tears when she was unexpectedly nominated and then, in a fairytale ending won the Lead Female award. She was given this very special Tracy by Peter Dew. Peter’s speech was fulsome in its praise of her, which she modestly tried to deflect saying these awards weren’t about her, but for all the people working so hard behind the scenes doing the unglamourous jobs.

Perhaps the most emotional and shocking moment in the evening was when Tracy herself presented the Lifetime Achievement Award. All the experts had confidently predicted it would go to her father. But in an amazing and controversial decision this prize of prizes went to her estranged partner, and father of her child, Douglas Shelly. The auditorium exploded at the announcement. A pale and visibly shaken Mr Shelly was cheered as he sat at his table in disbelief. "It didn't sink in until she repeated it and then Chris Lichen took me by the arm and escorted me up to the stage."

Said the clearly overwhelmed Douglas Shelly.

Mr Barker was rumoured to be bitterly disappointed at the outcome, cancelled his speech and left with his wife, refusing to speak to reporters.