A Missing persons club in Horsham opened this month. “It’s great to come here and meet so many other missing people,” said Ralph Pandy who has not been home since 1985. “It’s a chance to get together and swap stories and give each other support.” Missing people have a lot of problems which normal people take for granted, such as opening bank accounts and finding accommodation. “Being a missing person I don’t know where I am from the one week to the next.” Complained Alison Ross, who hasn’t seen her husband for twenty years. “A missing persons club is a fantastic idea; I’ve met a bank manager here who gave me some super tips.” When asked about her husband she said he was amazingly supportive and was still photocopying pictures of her and appearing regularly on Good Morning Radio appealing for information. “He’s the best! I couldn’t have done it without him! We’ve got a contract now to write a book which has given me more financial security, I can’t really complain about my life.” The club’s next location has yet to be confirmed.
BBC cleaner Howard Appaih was celebrating last night as he clenched his new contract worth a staggering eighteen million pounds over three years. Other ancillary staff are said to be unhappy and believe the wage is way too inflated, especially as cutbacks on stars are continuing. But Mr Appaih was unrepentant, “They know how good I am and that they could lose me to another network, but now I’m staying here - for the next three years at least.” TV's Terry Wogan spoke in defence of Appaih, “Who wouldn’t want eighteen million pounds? Let’s be honest here, people are just jealous of Mr Appaih.” Sources close to Mr Appaih added the he was offered a nightshift slot at GMTV but he turned it down in favour the BBC.
In a shock move by the FA the next England international will be played by writers. “Wayne Rooney is too busy redrafting his latest biography and Steve Gerard has commitments promoting his new book, so I was asked to join the team." Said a visibly thrilled Magnus Mills. Mills is seen as being the safest pair of hands in goal for a revitalised England. “The team is really hungry, Andrew O’Hagan from Faber and Faber will play a key role in midfield." David Peace is rumoured to have got the call up in Japan last night. "We can really prove something to the nation this time. It’s a great opportunity for the lads. And what's more I can drive the team bus which will save us a few quid.” Mills added, before taking the wheel of the team coach to drive to the first training session in Hertfordshire. Others thought to have been selected include, Sceptre’s dark genius Jake Arnott, and Harper’s Ian Sansom.
BBC cleaner Howard Appaih was celebrating last night as he clenched his new contract worth a staggering eighteen million pounds over three years. Other ancillary staff are said to be unhappy and believe the wage is way too inflated, especially as cutbacks on stars are continuing. But Mr Appaih was unrepentant, “They know how good I am and that they could lose me to another network, but now I’m staying here - for the next three years at least.” TV's Terry Wogan spoke in defence of Appaih, “Who wouldn’t want eighteen million pounds? Let’s be honest here, people are just jealous of Mr Appaih.” Sources close to Mr Appaih added the he was offered a nightshift slot at GMTV but he turned it down in favour the BBC.
In a shock move by the FA the next England international will be played by writers. “Wayne Rooney is too busy redrafting his latest biography and Steve Gerard has commitments promoting his new book, so I was asked to join the team." Said a visibly thrilled Magnus Mills. Mills is seen as being the safest pair of hands in goal for a revitalised England. “The team is really hungry, Andrew O’Hagan from Faber and Faber will play a key role in midfield." David Peace is rumoured to have got the call up in Japan last night. "We can really prove something to the nation this time. It’s a great opportunity for the lads. And what's more I can drive the team bus which will save us a few quid.” Mills added, before taking the wheel of the team coach to drive to the first training session in Hertfordshire. Others thought to have been selected include, Sceptre’s dark genius Jake Arnott, and Harper’s Ian Sansom.
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