London Calling

An inflatable doll could be a thing of the past for randy emphysema sufferer Derek Short. A breathless Derek told us, “My sister promised to buy me a foot pump for Christmas, I lied and told here I needed it for my bike. The s**t will really hit the fan if she finds out what it’s really for.” Derek Short like thousands of men all over the country looks for companionship from his inflatable doll and feels misunderstood by society. “She’s more than a you know what,” he winked from his porch window. “But try telling people that when we go out for a quiet curry in town. She dresses provocatively I know, but that’s no reason to insult her, it’s her choice and it should be respected. She goes topless on the beach in the summer, so what? It’s natural. I think they’re jealous. The tragedy is that now she’s just an empty shell of her former self, and my neighbour Nigel won’t even blow her up for me.” He panted before having to close the porch window.